The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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