why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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