i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
