Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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