Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
