Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Randomize
