How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
