i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
