I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
