Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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