You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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