I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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