I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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