I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize