I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
