fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
