did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize