so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
