I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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