Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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