life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
