Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
