We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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