then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
