Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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