Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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