You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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