I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
