Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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