she was so not down for the gang bang
This is not my ceiling
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
