dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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