I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
