i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize