I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize