Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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