I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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