I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
