I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
