ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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