I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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