Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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