I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
