Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
