I need to stop coming to work sober
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Panties = found
How naked do you want me to be?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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