I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If I die, sorry about rent.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
