i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize