My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
