I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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