Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
