You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
