Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
