Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Randomize
