So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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