You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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