Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
