he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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