The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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