i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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