im six kinds of drunk right now
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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