That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
