6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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