im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
