i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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