I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
