I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
His hands were made for my vagina.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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