so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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