So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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