Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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