I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
