dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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